By Misti
Date: 2003 Sep 07
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[[2003.09.07.04.02.24033]]

This Means Something

David Koresh was standing on the side of the
road tonight and there was construction
and there were no good songs on the radio
so I gave him a ride the wrong way
down a one-way street until we got to the
moon, which was sponge cake taken out of the oven
too soon and this was a sign...
"This means something," David whispered.
There was ketchup on his breath.
I threw up.
"Look at that...there's an angel in your vomit
and the angel is pissed off," David said.
I didn't see the angel, only chunks of mini
chocolate donuts which I had consumed on
my second break of the evening.
"Look, man...you see things I don't see. Why
aren't you dead?" I was curious. I'd seen the
dcoumentary.
"You can't keep a good god down, Mary. I'm here
to reveal to you the seventh apocalypse. First I'm
going to fuck you."
"Uh...no. And I'm not Mary. I'm Misti. I missed
out on the first six. And you don't turn me on."
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yes. Where can I drop you off?"
David Koresh persisted. He was magic. He morphed into
this actor whose name I forget...he was the guy in
"Blow" who taught Johnny Depp about the commerce
of cocaine. I love the way he looks but he still
had a redneck voice. All the ketchup in the world
could not kill that Southern accent. Poor guy.
"I'm not buying it, David. I have a husband. He's
half-Italian. He won't play nice."
This went on for about five minutes which contained
enough eternity to make an atheist out of me.
I channeled Samantha from "Bewitched." I did that
little twitch thing with my mouth and sent David
Koresh to the wild side of Catalina Island. I know
a baby chimp who lives there. He won't play nice.

Now I'm reading an e-mail someone named santaissatanscrambledup sent me from sprynet. He is pretending to be my ex-boyfriend. He is droning on about the seven apocalypses Los Angeles style. This is getting eerie. Here is what has been revealed to me:
1. The first apocalypse was when the first T-Rex couple went their separate ways. We are still feeling the aftershock.
2. The second apocalypse was when this Anasazi whose name I cannot spell fell in love with another Anasazi whose name I cannot spell and jumped off a cliff because this was before San Francisco in the Seventies.
3. The third apocalypse was not real. It was made up by a valley girl named Mindy whose wine cooler was spiked with LSD by her vengeful boyfriend Toby who caught her giving his buddy Branden a blow-job on Halloween. Mindy was dressed as a nurse, of course. Branden was a wounded Vietnam vet. Toby wasn't wearing a costume. He was wearing one of those shirts that has a little alligator over the heart and Jordache jeans.
4. The fourth apocalypse was when Buddy Holly appeared in a dream to a hung-over Mexican named Jesus...pronounced Hey, Seuss! Five pedestrians were run over that same day.
5. The fifth apocalypse happened on Main Street in Bridgeport, Texas. Gerald Groves saw Jesus in BJ's Video trying to decide between "I Spit On Your Grave" and "Ernest Goes To Jail." No one believed Gerald, even though he had a tape recorder and was able to coax Jesus into reciting the Sermon on the Mount in pig latin.
6. The sixth apocalypse is a secret. It involves Don Knotts and Calista Flockhart and neither one is talking.
7. The seventh apocalypse is in progress. This explains the proximity of Mars, Grand Theft Auto being sued for homicide, the angry gay hurricane and the world's fascination with a staged French kiss performed on television by two pretentious media whores.

[These revelations are to be blamed on Victoria's Secret Direct, Paseo Del Norte at three o'clock on a Sunday morning, the huge red zit on my chin, Nestle's Aberfoyle natural spring water and a tight budget that does not allow for cable television or dsl.]