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By Misti Date: 2003 Oct 19 Comment on this Work [[2003.10.19.03.40.14788]] |
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for many fucked up swollen eyes drunken lies mad disguise surprise vacant years I looked for LOVE limping and ravaged and humble stumblin' blind, you realize a freak show without a circus the purpose was vague all I knew was that I had to wake up inside a poem or a Beach Boys song or a diner on Route 66 I had to get there from Hell in my bare feet and tattered rags sooty on the surface but dewy and radiant like an orchid on the inside ...pride was the first thing I pitched to the side of the road my load was heavy enough memories paranoia doubt jealousy (stuff like that) I never sat down to rest I wasn't blessed with the luxury of time I kept walking, see rain poured down I walked thunder roared I walked creatures growled and howled all around but my heartbeat was the only sound worth focusing on (I walked) you would think Bless her sweet heart! Surely she finally stumbled upon some kind of kindness from some kind of stranger but, no that would be a Hans Christian Andersen story that would not be any kind of life that I knew anything about the route was hard, see and long, see and all I found was more hunger and more doubt and more reason to sedate the demons and stuff the cotton down my throat I wrote angry poems I wrote love letters and chewed them up and spit them out I tried on different dresses and advertised myself to people who weren't shopping I lost things and looked for them in the dark I went to the park and pretended to care about feeding the ducks I wrote Love Sucks on various walls and bathroom stalls and made long distance phone calls to the Devil "Just checkin' in, bro." "I know," the Devil said with a I-Could-Give-a-Shit-Less yawn. I bought lawn ornaments for protection. I checked my reflection in the mirror and said I'm Still Here, and I'm Visible! I SEE ME!!! I EXIST!!! HOT DAMN!!! (i was beginning to wonder) then one day I stopped the madness I just stopped stopped the parade stopped the search stopped eating those jelly donuts stopped peering toward the horizon stopped dancing on fire to see what would happen STOPPED. I bathed in cool, deep water. I washed it all away. I went to sleep for 22 days. I woke up humming a Beach Boys song. (it's always the Beach Boys! God Bless Brian Wilson!) and guess what? IT found ME!!! like that like nothin' like somethin' I'd read about in Archie comics or seen on late night TV back in '75 it CAME to ME and called me GOOD names and invited me to DANCE and so I said...Yes. I believe I'll have some of that. I've been looking for it and that didn't work. So I trust that this is the right way and the only way... Serendipity Fuckin' Doo Dah!! (this I can handle) ...and today, for the record I opened my dresser drawer and there IT was the blue vibrator I thought I had lost!!! |