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By aparajita Date: 2004 Mar 15 Comment on this Work [[2004.03.15.16.26.31760]] |
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it's a cold rainy day outside... happens also to be a monday. reminds me of a song from long ago "rainy days and mondays always get me down". depressing how the ever optimistic me who has music in her soul and a song on her lips also has such a heavy heart that my spirit can not sing. even knowing the rain will bring flowers, and a long awaited and very much needed spring renewal, does not dull the aching deep inside today. spring is oxygen to the dead air of winter and i fear spring will not arrive soon enough to sustain whatever life may still be left within this weary bag of bones. odd how some people are born with old souls. stranger still feeling at once both 16 and 95 on the inside. looking in the mirror at the effects of living hard and gravity, i don't feel at all like i should look this old with all the worry lines i see there. at 41 i know i am too young to be this retrospective. thinking back on life, remembering love, dreaming of passion happening again. if this is my existence at this age, how despairing will i be at say 61 or 71? makes me shudder to venture there. ten years is a long time to withhold living. a long time to wait for more. if habits are formed in 14 days what have i done to myself living alone, being alone, in ten years? is there any hope whatsoever? hot scalding tear drops sliding slowly on my cheeks mixing in with the cold rain forming a lukewarm mixture that is symbolic of the hibernation of my heart. not hot, not cold, just lukewarm. desperate to maintain independence and even more desperate to feel the euphoria of knowing someone loves me. pathetic is a more apt description. too difficult to find the fine line between independence and belonging as a part of a pair, a couple, a team against the world. looking out the window, it has been as dreary and gray inside as out. the cold rain still falls to mock me for even trying to get out of bed this morning. |