|
By Misti Date: 2004 Apr 15 Comment on this Work [[2004.04.15.15.43.32150]] |
|
Mom, I have tried to be civil...even friendly...to Chris. I wish I had a tape recorder. I'm thinking of buying one. I will send you our conversations. He is a liar if he plays the poor little victim role for you. He can certainly dish it out, I promise you that. Last time I saw him, he hinted that he had hired a private investigator and that I have been doing "slutty" things. He acts like an absolute idiot. I don't respect him. I lost that awhile back. I will not try to be his friend anymore. He will always see me as a slut/whore/bitch. The woman who ruined his life. You heard our fights all the time when you called or I called you! You would say,"I'm hanging up now, I don't want to listen to this." I would cry to you and Meme and Autumn saying I wanted to end things. We fought the day of our wedding, we fought after the wedding, we fought on the drive to Galveston. I never had peace of mind with Chris or easy camaraderie. I was always on edge. He brought out the absolute worst in me. I loved him in a way. I loved his poetry, his intelligence, his sense of humor, his insights, his smile, his laugh. At times he could be a sweet, giving lover and he made me feel beautiful and pure. There were times when I truly enjoyed him. But most of the time I was thinking of other men or gritting my teeth and clenching my fists. I verbally abused him and I will always hate myself for that. I inflicted a lot of pain on Chris and I'm not proud or happy about any of it. Everytime I see him, though, I hurt him again because he goads me. He's smarmy and self-righteous. I'm glad he's found God. That's nothing to mock. But he doesn't act like someone who is enlightened. He acts like a retarded little brat. I want him to be happy. He submitted a poem to the Blender about his new love interest. I hope that works out for him. He'll know when he gets it right with a woman that we never would have worked out...God or no God. Mom, you are my mother and have seen me through so much and have survived so much yourself and I respect you and love you completely. But please don't shove your truth, your ideologies, your beliefs down my throat. I'm just really tired of hearing it. I am very spiritual. But I won't be going to a Christian church anytime soon. Chris can keep racking up those brownie points with you and the rest of the family. There is one person I have to prove myself to and I see her in the mirror every morning. I'm not living my life for my new mate. He is encouraging me to do things I've always dreamed of and I'm going for it. I'm working on a novel. Each chapter is one page long. I've written twenty chapters. I'm holding down my job and learning how to live on nothing. I am going to look for a second job. It's hard but I love it. I will get better at it. I won't call you because I don't want to hear whatever Joe has to say. Joe has no leg to stand on. I'm tired of the men in your life laying down the law and telling me what's what. I'm too old for that crap. No more spankings or lectures. I'm sorry to hear about Autumn. If I didn't think Jeff would trash it, I'd send her a card and the rest of the stuff I bought for Hunter Cade. I love and miss you all. Hugs, Misti |