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By Misti Date: 2004 May 22 Comment on this Work [[2004.05.22.15.18.28187]] |
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in the long email you sent me you said you loved different women deeply before me and you will love different women deeply after me I've always known that secret love replenishes you give love you get it back sometimes if you're lucky and I've loved deeply before you I've sacrificed and pined divined answers from tarot cards I probably misread studied countless astrology charts lit candles carved with names and symbols knowing He was out there and He was and he was not one man one stellar soul mate as I had hoped and wished and prayed for he was men who fucked me well before fucking me over he was men who sent me love letters and smoke signals before sending the troops in a surprise midnight attack to level my carefully erected defenses and rape the poetry out of my spirit to the beating of patriotic drums he was dumb and I didn't respect him he was a genius and I hated him for making me feel stupid he was Cupid's idea of a joke he broke my ass and put it in the welfare line he was cheap wine and casual sex he liked a girl named Macy better than me because she had bigger breasts and street smarts he was the Ace of Hearts in a wallet kept there for good luck he was road tripping to Florida in his truck while I was road tripping across North Central Texas in mine he was the Valentine I wished for when I was Charlie Brown down and out in a comic stripped of irony he was God he was a fraud but yes I loved Him deeply & completely there were times when inhaling his cologne was enough to save me and there were times when the well-timed ringing of my telephone was enough to bring me to my knees idiotic with gratitude I'm not in the mood to think of the men I'll love deeply after you I prefer to think that you're it, finally the last in a conga line of pseudo princes but there is nothing pseudo about you or the love you inspire in me the love you so effortlessy milk from my heart long past its expiration date I should be dead I shouldn't feel anything at all but I'm alive and I do and you are it, baby I'm corny and horny and completely caught off guard tarred and feathered stuck in luck because you're there, too and if it isn't true thank gawd for fake you make me think it all happened for a reason you make me think all the heartache was worth the Jack Daniels and Benadryl and therapy sessions and reams of masochistic poetry read to a confused audience you make me believe what I always doubted I went along for the ride because I didn't want to be alone all those years when you were in California in leather instead of Brazil in a loin cloth because you needed prescription medication and this is not to discount the men I loved before but you are more than I imagined you are the most and if I have a fantasy it is to toast you and us for the lifetime left to come whatever is left I want to share it with you. |