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By aparajita Date: 2004 Jun 17 Comment on this Work [[2004.06.17.13.59.16186]] |
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dear daddy: thinking of you today... memories flooding me, overwhelming me. my earliest memory of you is of when i was probably 4 or 5 and how it would terrify me for you to leave on your way to work if you did not come say goodbye to me first. i remember running in a panic screaming and crying after your car in the pre-dawn hours with mom running after me wondering what in the world had happened to make me act so insane at that age. that same panic consumed me when you let our family disintegrate. but, being the oldest i couldn't let anyone know that i thought i was going to die without you there. you never knew how much your loss affected us all. mom went through this mental health period so severe that i became the mom for us all at age 8. your baby girl called me mom for the first 3 years of her life. crying myself to sleep quietly and alone every nite i took care of us all. later, i still took care of us all, huh? you also never knew how your best friend defiled me, or how the others that followed broke your little girls heart and more. you were never there to fight for me or to teach me how to protect myself from men. yet, i loved you daddy. it became my only purpose to get you and mom back together. of course, you had to get drunk first in order for us to even have those father-daughter talks. and, once again, i caretake us all. held your head and cleaned you up after too much consumption. talked you through the crying phase until you 'fell asleep'. daddy, i loved you still. i remember how funny you were. there are no memories of you sober and funny, only drinking and funny. when you were sober, you were serious beyond belief. quiet, gentle, unassuming, a thin tiny man. i remember how i basked in your few words of praise the first time i finished mowing the lawn with a mower 3 times my size. or, how you'd occasionally tell me you were proud of me because i could save money, or because you thought i was smart. i remember trying to climb up in your lap only to be chastised because "sissy, you'll spill my beer" or "watch my cigarette sissy". a hug from you was priceless to me. attention from you was priceless. and all too rare. i loved you so much still. i remember you not being at my graduation or my wedding or any other important event in my entire life. the sense of loss can not even be described when i talk to other women that have such close bonds with their fathers. i do recall you coming back into my life as an adult though after years of little to no contact. circumstances being what they were, i'd take care of you all over again just to have what few adult memories i have. i'm sorry daddy that realization came too little too late for you; but, ultimately, i'm glad you were able to make peace with yourself and the past. i'm sorry you had to die so painfully physically; and, spiritually for the things that should have been done differently. i miss you so. you've been gone for so long, yet, i feel you near me occasionally. do you need me still? i need the you i had and the one i never did even more. there are times when i want to talk to you so badly. today is one of those days. i still love you daddy. |