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By Misti Date: 2004 Aug 06 Comment on this Work [[2004.08.06.15.39.32472]] |
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I think about my marriage and how it was and why it ended and why it had to. I've given it more thought than I'm comfortable with because I'm morally bankrupt. I think,"I can't think or write about it anymore. I'm beating a dead horse." But that isn't true. It is senseless to beat a dead horse or anything else that's dead. It isn't senseless to think on three and a half years of your life in hopes of closure and insight. Some work will never be done. I would like to be through with therapy, through with introspection, through with all the pain that comes from being abused the first six years of my life. But like they say in AA...once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. I am not an alcoholic. But I think I might be an addict. Maybe I'm addicted to pain. Maybe I perpetuate this shit because this shit is all I know. I feed on pain. I'm too proud to beg for pleasure and happiness. I married my husband because he loved me. He was my only friend and my only source of constant, unconditional love. We fought often and we fought ugly. We did not fight fair. My husband was out of his depth. His life had not prepared him for me. I did love him, but not the way I ache to love a man, with the fullest possible me. I needed to respect my husband and adore him with everything in me. I didn't, and I am sorry for wasting his time. I'm glad we had our time. There were some beautiful moments. But I am sorry that because of me he is ravaged. It ended before real damage was done, before kids were involved. For that I am grateful. My job now is to fix what I can fix within myself before giving myself to another human being. The pain has to end with me.There will always be work. I want to be aware of that and not be afraid to get my hands dirty. As long as I am alive, I owe that to myself and to those I love. |