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By chris Date: 2004 Nov 01 Comment on this Work [[2004.11.01.00.50.26331]] |
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when my father came back from vietnam he had a jacket with "when i die i know i'll go to heaven because i've spent my time in hell" embroidered on the back and i think of how that sentiment applies on a much smaller and considerably more pathetic scale to myself afer fours years of utter shit jobs and the current customer service purgatory in which i find myself ensnared i used to be scared i used to bolt awake involuntarily at the sound of a door handle turning somewhere outside in the courtyard my heart would beat so loudly it would keep me awake so i still take two pills nightly to give me an express trip to a place beyond interruptions and a blessed seven hours of oblivion i used to think i'd sinned or done something wrong somewhere along the way so i looked at old photos and wept until i was doubled over and my eyes ached but it was too late so i went to texas and found god only to lose him sometime within the next month like a girl i flirted with then lost her number and never saw again (then the ability to even discern truth became atrophied too reading old poems again and again - "my love wishes for you are not few") now i sometimes think it's like the drowning man who's finally pulled to the surface just as his oxygen is all gone too long in the blue black depths to survive or even halfway bear life up on top in the sunlight and the air the difference now is that you're there and you won't go that easily but neither have you come into my life for triage or heroics or rescue i'm not yet out of the water (or the woods) and the undertoe still pulls but our connection is primal and as immediate as the sky above me that presses down on this night hinting of a storm really only promising not snow or rain but another sunrise when for better or worse it all starts again |