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By Misti Date: 2005 May 23 Comment on this Work [[2005.05.23.00.44.5877]] |
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today I found out what I already knew on some level my mom did not attend our wedding because she didn't want to not because she couldn't afford the plane ticket the video is sad your friends, your family I almost felt superfluous but I was a pretty bride in the crotchet dress my mom bought me from Victoria's Secret and the room at the Embassy Suites was a nice escape and the chocolate covered strawberries and champagne my mom had delivered to the room were a classy if cliched touch at Fiesta's I sat on a stool as you serenaded me with "When a Man Loves a Woman" I blinked back the tears so as not to ruin the makeup your father the rich white man who enjoys ballooning and wine festivals sat a foot away definitely superfluous and clueless as a crawfish in a race you are more hurt than I am I tell you not to take it personally it's been many a merry psycho drama with this woman my mother for all her goodness and warmth and hospitality and angelic intentions the woman is a mess and as much to blame for my years of therapy as the first two men she chose to marry my mom has a ranch and horses jewelry and a house filled with good food and dolls and books about Jesus my mom has a husband who has broken her heart more than a few times and a stressful job and Lupus and two daughters the eldest one me an alien she will never be able to fathom why don't my poems rhyme or say pretty things or have tidy solutions? why would I marry a man I met on the internet? why would I divorce a man who did not cheat on me or beat me or abuse me in any way? why would I leave the man I left my husband for only to return to him in two months with one paycheck and no job? why would I marry a man with no money and two bad hips? why did I dance topless in college why did I have all those masochistic flings why did I listen to Billie Holiday in the dark and drink that bottle of wine and quart of vodka and break an angel in the bathroom and bloody my wrists why why why oh why why would I want to die when I am so pretty and so skinny why am I so stupid I've read so many books you know my mom has her God you know my mom has her reasons you know my mom voted for Bush and will never listen to Amy Goodman or read Gore Vidal or Hunter S. Thompson or subscribe to Bitch or Bust my mom has no desire to see the Met or ride a subway she has never hitchhiked across America she has never shot an M16 she has never comethisclose to getting thrown in prison she has never howled drunk and alone in a closet she has never lived for weeks at a time in cheap motels she has never lived for months at a time on macaroni and cheese she has never put her guts and spirit into writing and sent it out and been rejected she has never found solace in Ntozake Shange or Charles Bukowski or Sandra Cisneros or Bob Dylan she has never wondered if maybe she is a lesbian, after all she has never gone crazy after giving away her own flesh and blood she has never talked back to her parents she has never begged strangers for money she has never lost all her friends at once and questioned her worth my mom gave birth to me 32 years ago we are still strangers we still say I Love You after every phone call I always say it first and that is why you should not take it personally that my mom did not attend our wedding and that is why we should never move to Texas well, that and the tornadoes... |