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By RainbowChaser Date: 2005 Oct 13 Comment on this Work [[2005.10.13.00.21.2718]] |
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Reflecting tearfully on the past twenty three years it seems to me that where I am today was not merely an accident but a path, a path to which I am destined Through pain, through sacrifice, through tears of all the lost dreams and forgotten yesterdays here I am alive, but not untouched, unbattered by life's sadness, cruelty, and unforgiving nature there's a theory that I cling to that heaven is a place enjoyed by all of us after our toils and despairs on earth that God welcomes us home with open arms along with the relatives of the past Sometimes I ponder on a lonely Sunday whose waiting for me like a weary, excited traveller approaching a terminal I anticipate who will meet me at the tunnel of triumph The most obvious choice is my grandma she is my soul mate, although we have led different lives, it is her who has pushed me to realize my dreams and know that my deep urge for love springs through her she has loved me without question, without expectation and for that I will always be eternally grateful she communicates to me without words, our hearts are connected and somehow this connection will never die, it was her love for me that saved my life so many times Next would have to be my mami She has given me the gift of intuition-which in her time was looked upon with disfavor but she predicted that I would break the chain, that I would find a way somehow I have, but I know that all my strength stemmed from her She loved me a lot, and taught me to work as hard as you can and love, allow yourself to love so deeply that at times it tears you up inside and makes you vulnerable and be the person only you know best, yourself The next person would have to be my aunt Stella taken all to soon by cancer but forever she will be etched in my mind for her eternal smile will never die She is the one who laughed with me when I was little who held my hand when my mami passed and indulged me by riding in my new convertible on high school graduation even in her last moments, she gave me hope and love and in return, all I could give her was a hope that I naively felt I believed that God would save her but somehow through her sacrifice, she made God and heaven real to me because her eternal smile promises me, that no matter how bad things get..keep pushing, keep smiling and heaven and God await The next person would have to be the love of my life, Shawn he has taught me so much in our two years together words can never express what our hearts speak, sometimes our words are unspoken but somehow I'm learning to use my brain as much as my heart and I'm trying to teach him not to be afraid to feel In my time of utter need and desperation he appeared, like an angel out of nowhere, but somehow made everything okay with his steadiness-that I admire and rely on so much For this reason, I truly believe our hearts are the halves of a whole, two beings cut from the same cloth After all that I went through, he was the treasure that I found the only that I had searched for but didn't realize that I wasn't meant to find until I could truly appreciate it in this lifetime and in eternity, we will remain The last person is perhaps the most difficult person counterintuitive to my soul yet vital in who I am and who I've been the most abhorrent violation anyone can experience yet it's my father a man who I will never love, never know, and never understand if I search my whole life over, I will never be able to find someone who has impacted my life so greatly for the worse it is through the pain that I became who I am today I've forgiven myself, and I've learned to love others to compensate for the loss of a half of myself that I can never truly see or comprehend but somehow I hold out the hope that it had a greater meaning the blessing of this pain, was a love, the love of my grandma and grandpa who sheltered me from uncertainties and allowed me to have the most perfect childhood imaginable their love was like a band-aid, and still is The circle that began with his painful act was filled in my three powerful women a coincidence, I think not the power of three is seen in many places and the final hole which can only be completed by finding the other half of your heart came with Shawn The five people I'll meet in heaven are part of the patchwork quilt that is unique, is me Two have already gone on their path but I know they are there because I feel them everyday in my heart, in my breath, and just everywhere..after all heaven sometimes allows us little glimpses of hope, but I know there love for me can and will transcend all boundaries |