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By aparajita Date: 2005 Oct 31 Comment on this Work [[2005.10.31.22.01.26833]] |
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Standing unsteadily with tears in his time worn eyes he looked at me and said, "Please take care of her, she's been my wife for 60 years and I love her". Trust. After he left, she looked at me with worry in her eyes that he'd be alright at home without her while she stayed in the hospital. Trust. Both of them and all the others entrust themselves to me. Parents with children, spouses, families, and even individuals come to me vulnerable, seeking help in making them well or help in fixing whatever is broken. And, I help. However possible. Hoping to do something, anything, everything right to justify that trust and relieve that vulnerability. Say the word 'trust'. Speak it out loud. Close your eyes and experience it. A powerful word, 'trust'. The beginning of the formation of the word is like a lovers kiss. Lips pursed, trusting and vulnerable. Then, as the tip of the tongue slips to the upper mouth one can feel the sensuous touch of that. Follow the tongue with the opening of the mouth for the 'us', deep and full... 'us', not we, you, or I, us is so much more personal. Finalized again by the tongue finishing off the word. How do we learn trust? Or do we actually learn to trust? For me, trust is an earned behavior, not learned. Sometimes I feel as if the men I've loved and lost must have been named Pavlov in another lifetime. They've conditioned me over the years repeatedly to not give in to the temptation of trust. Yet, with each promise made, each soft touch, each love word spoken, off in the distance I can hear this gong sounding. Inspiring me and warning me at the same time. Heedless of the sound I did try again. I wanted so badly to let the past slip into some black hole as if it had never happened. I wanted to bring my broken self, what was left of my shattered and scattered heart, all I've been saving to give, and... trust. Trust. TRUST. To believe once again. To feel. To know. To have. Conditioned once again instead. And, this time I fear there may be a finality to it that can not and will not be overcome. I have no ability left within me to do this again, and, finally I don't have any desire. Did you know that a broken promise equates with a broken dream? Both so intangible that there is no fixative, no corrective agent, no way to undo the damage. Lately, even before the old man made it a stark reality, I've been wondering why trust and vulnerable were synonymous in my head. Today I puzzled it out. It's 'u'. They each have 'u'. And, all the other you's before you. Can you hear the gong in the distance? |