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By aparajita Date: 2005 Dec 09 Comment on this Work [[2005.12.09.12.40.9264]] |
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today i didn't shave my legs in the shower, wasn't necessary. i had a choice of having enough hot water to shower and shave, or, having enough hot water to shower and cry. crying won. years ago when the heart was first completely shattered beyond a normal repair the shower was the place to cry. i couldn't let my baby girl know her mommie wasn't in control so the safest and best place to just let the aching out was in my shower. one can fool the mind at least into thinking that the warm water is close enough to an embrace. to be held while crying has got to be the ultimate... suppose i'll never know. that's a good thing about hotel showers, the hot water will go on longer than i can cry. and keep coming. i could conceivably even shower, cry, and shave if i had that much energy left. i don't, but it's a nice thought. since you kissed me and held me for a few hours one night (months ago now) and gave me hope i've shaved daily. you seduced my mind with possibilities. for a woman this is important. there were many many years that shaving just wasn't necessary. the cat could care less if the legs are hairy cause the cat is hairy too. actually makes the cat cuddle more which is good since the cat does have a warm body. an extra warm body in a lonely bed is most often a good thing. at least i know the cat is safe. she'll never break my heart or misplace my trust in the secrets i cry. so, back to shaving. i've re-learned the joys of how sexy a woman can feel with newly shaven legs on clean sheets. even turns me on to rub lotion on them and feel how satiny they can be. that too does no good... no outlet for that passion. but, the truth is, i've shaved every single day in hopes that you'd be the one rubbing on the lotion and getting turned on by the smooth feel of those curves... as well as my quick intake of breath (cause i just know how that will make me feel too). every day after years and years of not caring. i'd only shave when i had to for the sake of public welfare and all. didn't want to be the source of madness and mayhem out there with hairs dragging the ground behind me. you'd keep making plans that continued to fall through, making me believe in possibilities once again. in dreams and fantasies once again. in hope. now i know. today the epiphany has reached the brain and the heart this time. at the same time. i get it. no need to shave daily any longer. can use the time more wisely. and the hot water. you will remain you, i will remain i, we will never be we. or together. with lotion. and heavy sighs. and kisses that last hours enough to mend broken hearts at least minimally. a caveat to all this though is that i did shave the pits and put on the after shower perfume. this is what i do for me, and not in hopes of for you. it won't always be about you. i know this too. i've been down this path before and learned how to turn off all emotions, needs, desires, wants, fantasies, passion, hope. i'll find that damn switch again and cement it down this time. and, tomorrow? tomorrow i will shave my legs... for me. |