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By lilla Date: 2006 Apr 10 Comment on this Work [[2006.04.10.09.05.1342]] |
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Mark, I wish you'd know how much I wanted to find that courage to tell you how much I care for you know. And how each day I fall for you too deeply. And how much futile for me to put off this affection for you. I am sorry for having confused you by some of my actions lately. I wish I could tell you how angry I was with myself for allowing these feelings to grow this huge, man. I felt that it was such a dishonor to our years of closeness. It was true what i texted you that you are not my friend, and it was my fault alone that I have not paid attention to your endearing ways, and considered you as a mere drinking buddy. Your imprints in my memory were all vague, and that was my fault again, as I simply treated you as one of the guys. And now, I stand to lose you as a potential good friend. I felt that you were so distant to me in the past, and yet now I chose to also draw that line between us. I wish I have seen you before (Hall days) when there was enough space in my heart to take all the risks, when my fears were not as big as they are now. I do not expect you to understand my pains. But my pains are so real that it so much matters to me not to go through those same hurts I went through with my past relationships. I dread that day that I will realize I let a moment pass on me. My choice. Not your fault again but mine to keep. Its all wishful thinking for me not to have gone through all the bad experiences. What's done is done. Its foolish even to entertain all the beautiful possibilities when in fact I could not muster the dignity to let you know how much I love you now. Its even much crazier to wish not to have felt this way about you. Because I already did. I already am. You have so much ahead of you, Mark. Just let me be. Ill manage. You take care of yourself and stay the nice guy Mark everybody in this office loved. Irma |