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By lilla Date: 2006 Apr 25 Comment on this Work [[2006.04.25.08.29.9567]] |
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Before, twas worst on rainy Fridays. Then it hits me, in the middle of summer. Afternoons. The urge, the craving, the longing, the fucking missing, loving feeling worsens soon right after lunch. When the lights are off for a break, when it would have been a really nice time to park your brain and enjoy an hour to relax before another back-breaking truck-load of work. But it has been like this for almost 2 months now. I long wanting to wrap up the feelings and just keep in my mind a memory of one beautiful motorcycle ride. Then get some good sleep after a really tiring ride. Sleep with a smile on my face. Without a dream. Period. Two long months. And what the fuck. Its still all there. Omnipresent. Driving me crazy. And yes, while I miss my old self and God how I wish to come to back to me. It is just never me again. Its like one whole piece of my being, went right down the lonely drain. Like i had so much barbiturates that I have been so much drowning, zombie-like walking, forgetting my brain when you have to preside an important meeting, and when youre frozen deep shit whenever he's around, and like keep my fucking word that everything is okay that i am back to my old self. And worst, pretend I am so damn okay each time I am with Sophie. Like do my maternal duties to the best of my abilities, as if my heart isnt fucking breaking into pieces. Like as if i am stranger to loneliness. like i dont love him, dont miss him, not desiring to make love with a man not his father. Like live up to that reputation of being a good mother, when all i wanted is to spend my lifetime with him. like i am so fucking liar! Like i havent been getting enough sleep these days. getting it very late, and waking up every hour and still look forward to be awaken knowing that Id see him again even for a moment. like this one really drives me nuts. like i am so freaking clueless when this one ends. like what kind of ending this would have. i can also always try painting really really wonderful pictures on how I want my endings to be. i mean just like before, just like the rest. everything in my mind, in my heart. but never true. never was and never is. or may be, i can try the other way. scribbles some hideous images. ugly enough to scare me. sad enough to make me cry. cry until there are no more tears. which is probably a lot better to believe. anticipate pain so id just be ready enough to take it. while the hurt is fresh, at least i knew of its coming. i know that like death, there is no way i could better prepare for it. but at least it is one reality i smacked before my face. and that id run out of reasons to convince myself i never knew of this becoz in the first place, i always carried the pain in my heart. always. no more reasons, mo more luck, no more real love ---- just pure pain. God, just let me inject the pain to myself. just to make numb when the time finally comes. no amount of alcohol. not more chains of smoke. no more gnashing. i know that it was i who said that come Monday, April 24, I made a promise. That very day, I shall be back to my old self. Same old Irma that everybody knew for what she was, and loved nonetheless. fucking shit ----- i was too damned wrong. i under-estimated the power of this feeling God, I am so sorry. At least now, I can honestly say ----- i will never be the same again. |