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By lilla Date: 2006 May 13 Comment on this Work [[2006.05.13.09.36.4930]] |
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Dear Mark, I was saddened by your text to me to make amends with each person that I involved and affected by this situation. And this is the issue right now. One, these people that you were referring to are our friends. If you know me well, I always share my feelings, myself to my friends. I view all of them as trustworthy people. I also value their opinions to keep me grounded somehow. I appreciate that they are able to show me the many sides of the story that I don't get to see. Even if there are differences in opinions, I know in my heart that they are sincere and that they mean well. Their good intention was not just for me but also for you Mark. I am so sure that they care for you as much as they care for me. I never questioned this, never questioned them. I remember I told you the last time we talked that my feelings for you I hold sacredly, and this experience is very important to me, and so I wanted to have that privilege to tell you about it. I also made this very clear with them. It was going well for the past months, until some stories were relayed to me and perhaps to our other friends differently. I was told that you already knew about my feelings for you and all the other emotions that went with it from time to time. I was voluntarily told of certain information about you which presented you in a bad light nevertheless, not one, I took against you. But that didn't feel good, at least for me. I looked stupid on my very birthday when 1 or 2 of them was trying to talk to about you or me or whatever in my very presence, huh. Anthony noticed that and he felt bad for me. But it was Gail who called for me, threshed it out. And honestly, that helped. This was the time Gail and I talked about the 2 options. I will not elaborate on this becoz I told you about this that Thursday night we talked. And these mixed gestures, I admit made me cry the whole night of my very birthday. One, becoz we all missed you that night man. And I take full responsibility for that. Second, I was so touched by some of our friends' very caring ways and to me that much needed gesture was such a blessing. Third, I felt that my feelings are not taken seriously by people I consider my friends. Mukha akong tanga that night, Mark. And the loving gestures of our other friends just got thrown out of the window. That was the saddest birthday I ever had. And all these, derailed my plans of telling you. Im scared enough already and then you hear and see things that scare me more. And why this is being done to me, I have no idea at all. I don't know the reasons, I don't know the motives. Judgment is key here. Good intentions, too. Mark, we're not talking CITEM projects here, or work, or any mundane things. This is about feelings and friendship. My feelings, our friendship. Its not something you get confronted with everyday. Maybe too much to ask from friends (but that's the worth of friends anyway), to make it less difficult for their friends who are in situations like this. But somehow, poor judgment and some bad intentions (which I hope I am mistaken) got in the way. "Each person I involved and affected" are also my friends, Mark. They will always figure in all the important events in my life. Always. It was not a situation wherein as if I dragged each and everyone of them, for what, to make them miserable? To question their sincerity? To divide loyalties? To raise their arms up against you? To place me in compromising situations? All these negative feelings do not speak well of friendship. And this is not the kind of friendship I have been keeping, Mark. As I told you, the rest of our friends took it well. In fact, from the very time I felt this way about you. I was told about the hurdle points (which I am facing now) but they never took it against me or against you. They were in fact supportive, excited even, as to how far it will go or how far this will take me. But it got hideous somewhere. And so it hurt me that when I saw it really getting ugly, I started limiting myself to just a handful of them. I wanted to find out how everything was beginning to fall in the wrong places, and yet the irony of this was Im also afraid to know. But I braved it, and so now I know. Too bad that the person is also a friend. Ironical, again, I couldnt tell our other friends about it becoz I did not want to add up anymore on the tension that has been there since the time I shut down. So I chose to shut down. And they're not OK with that. And becoz all these involved my affection for you and friendship, I got less and less functional each day. I always attempt to bounce back to my old self but the sadness is still there. And no matter how much they all try to hold on to me, I am cold and far away. And this is something not OK with them. I will keep on trying though. Getting back to me. I assure you that. Even if you don't tell me, that friend and I will talk. I hope that when that time comes, God has already prepared me to be trusting again. Mark, all my friends (even outside our group), know that I am an honest, fair, sincere and a very loyal person. So it troubles me big time, when the person at the other end of the line is not. I know some people twist facts and lie. And I thank God that it is never me. So to talk to that friend, is no man's timing but Gods. It is easier to forgive Mark, but trust is something one has to deserve. And these are 2 different things for me. A bad friendship is like a bad relationship, one has to move out after some time (no matter how long you have stayed on). Still, be happy to cherish the old friends you keep, and still continue making new friends. Im very good at this, finding and keeping true friends but I must say too, that I dropped 1, 2 or maybe 3 bad ones in my lifetime. People can call me anything, but I know my worth. One has to deserve my friendship and vice versa. In general, Ill allow our friends to embrace me again, I deserve it. And I am now walking towards them to give them the same, they deserve it, too. Mark, my prayer, is that I hope I am mistaken here. Pride is not an issue. If I am wrong (which I wish I am), Id go out of my way to say sorry, to make up, to keep and re-work on that friendship which I am about ready to give up now. If this is not easy for them or for you, please care to ask how I am right now, and yet I am expected to bounce back ASAP. I am trying my best to understand your pain, Mark, I hope, if its not too much to ask, for once, please just for once try to understand where my pain is coming from. I love you still in many ways than one. Just embrace it (I owe this to Papi Gail for making me understand --- just last night. I owe it to Anthony some time ago, but did not pay attention.) Irma I don't want to ask you again for this, but I think what's at stake here is more important than anything else at this time, if you keep your distance from our friends, that would not help at all. We will all just be as hurt and sad as we are now. That's not the way it should be |