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By aparajita Date: 2007 Aug 06 Comment on this Work [[2007.08.06.21.38.27995]] |
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i'm tired of being broken. tired of needing to be fixed. exhausted with all the fighting to get things mended and put back together. a dead tree fell in my yard yesterday. knocked out the power line, phone line, and the cable line. my toilet a couple weeks ago leaked gallons from below with every flush. my refridgerator ice maker malfunctioned at the same time and leaked large amounts on my floor. the pushy-pully-pokey thing that makes my tub water into shower water almost came out again like the one did ten years ago, it won't be long until even the pliers (damn, that is where i put them.... searched for half an hour earlier and never found them!) won't work on it any longer. there is a busted pipe outside that i was foolish enough to let occur because i didn't detach the water hose last winter. the air isn't working right, in this southern heat it is nigh to impossible to cool this house. and i can't wait to freeze again this winter since it won't get me warm enough either. three windows still need to be propped open since they won't stay up on their own. current project is putting together the chairs and table i allowed myself to get (as if there weren't already enough projects to keep me busy). so many more things broken or breaking that they are too numerous and too depressing to recall. but, they float around in my head, this list, a constant litany reminding me that never really is a long time. symbolic. i see nothing but symbolisms. dead tree is the dying me. tired of standing with nothing left to hold me up. falling, falling, falling... and crashing what power there is left. i still have the roots attached though that just won't let me go. gallons and gallons of tears. leaking all over this house. frustration finally making them fall instead of building within. waited so long that now there's a flood. no air. can't get warm when cold and can't get cool when hot. can't breathe with needs that once again only i am trying to meet for me. some things just won't work the same alone. i can't hold me, or kiss me, or make love to me. no windows. no way out. i can look and dream and want and desire and pray and cry and scream and hope... and stay right where i am because there is no way out. not a mechanic. or a carpenter, plumber, telephone repairperson, cable worker, electrician, computer nerd, or painter. yet, i still try. constantly putting things together, patching the holes, and sometimes rigging it to work until i can either find someone to help or get it done myself by accident and beginners luck. and i'm weary with being the only one to squash the creeping bugs that find their way into my home. i hate hate hate the feel of them crunching and then having to pick up the dead carcass to discard. much like picking up my squashed heart and dead feeling carcass every single day just to get out of bed. and fix all the brokeness. today is just a bad day. and a monday, go figure. |