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By RainbowChaser Date: 2009 Jan 08 Comment on this Work [[2009.01.08.23.11.15972]] |
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The words stared somberly at me from the cold computer screen Have you ever thought about him Have you ever thought what it would be like to have known him Do you ever wonder what he's like How do I answer these questions nonchalantly questions that have invaded my very existence from the time I was a child questions that have made me feel inferior and marked me as an outcast Some say I never knew my father Some say he was a funny, loving man who could sell whatever he was buying with a smile and who was loved by everyone Maybe that's true But the realistic part of me likes to think that I knew him better than anyone else I knew the true man behind the mask that he expertly concealed HE WAS A CHILD MOLESTER It's hard to wonder what someone's like when you know and you when you try to deny it and get to know him despite his imperfections but his imperfections have scared my life permanently in a way that his presence in my life will never fix I sometimes think that if I close my eyes this will all be some great lie that my wonderful father will come rescue me But the truth is, after all the nightmares and ineffective ways to deal with the pain I'm left with the hard, cold truth that even I don't want to believe I've dealt with the physical and mental pain of what he's done I've dealt with the harsh reality that my mother still blames me and hates me for it I've thrown up until my throat bled-trying to reach the pain on the inside that nothing has been able to touch Still- the thought gnaws at me what's he like and why was I so easy to abuse and throw away like garbage I bet you never wonder what I'm like- because you already know Have I ever thought about you Only every day, every minute sometimes to wish you were dead and that this had never happened or that I made it up- but I didn't I remember you made me and you destroyed me |