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Author's note: For anyone who has not been married, substitute "break up"
Now I will go grumbling to my grave about the fact that mankind seems to be getting "light" in the common sense" department. The only thing that gives me the barest glimmer of hope is that based on his writing and remarks, my hero Mark Twain thought the same of his times...Mr. Clemens knew that sense was not common---and he regarded human tomfoolery with a wit. But even he would have been struck dumb by the absurdity that follows the American past time of divorce. Divorce is not ever friendly. It's a formal way to say "Get the HELL out of my Life", and even though I am counted by some as a poet, there is no way to make that request pretty. But once the deed is done, once the towels have been counted and divided, and the union dissolved, it's time for two human virtues to fall into play---that RARELY do...Civility and sense. First off, no matter how "friendly" you regard a divorce, your "ex" (WHAT a term) really doesn't need to hear how wonderful you find your new life. It is salt in the wound, and nothing will evoke the "dog in the manger" mindset more quickly than showing off newfound bliss. This behavior is almost always on the part of the "leaver", versus the leavee. Almost universally, the "leavee" is quite unhappy with the whole arrangement---so they have a predisposition to misery. It hurts to be left. And it matters not that things were "not working". It matters not that the silence was falling as hard as harsh language can---it hurts to be left. I will allow that leaving is not a simple matter either, but the leaver made the move. Nothing can make it easy for anyone. But you don't have to be a damned fool, either. We are more gentle with telemarketers than we are with our 'exes'. We are more polite to morons who knock on our doors intending to separate us from our cash in some way. We are painfully polite to strangers---with whom we have no shared history. But the person with whom you shared life, a bed, possibly children? Seething hate. Roiling anger. Runaway rage---and the perverse desire to score "points" off of them, intended or not. Now what's love got to do with it, in the words of the immortal Tina Turner? That can depend on you. On who you are---or want to be someday. Most of us who get the ultimate goodbye will in fact seek to love again, unlikely as that seems. You will then have to deal with: 1. Your emotional baggage from first relationship. 2. Your significant other's insecurity about the fact that you were in fact, married before. 3. The myriad reactions/feedback you will receive from friends, family, associates, etc. Hate takes one hell of a lot more to maintain than love. What most of us ignore is that when we move from love to hate, we are still holding on---and allowing ourselves to be held. It isn't easy to say goodbye to years spent. We always want to make the equation balance. But if it were balanced, then the divorce would not have happened in the first place. Blame is for suckers. I suggest dignity. Hard? You bet. When someone smacks you, the urge to hit back is always immense. But once, you did love this person---and they loved you. I think we need to lose the thinking that divorce is the product of failure. Love has a shelf life---and when you're past the date---it really doesn't matter why. So in an effort to empty your emotional baggage---so Love CAN happen for you again...try to make your goodbye something you will not cringe to remember. It isn't rocket science---or the answer to world peace, or global warming---but maybe...just maybe, it can make the personal math of your life a bit simpler. So Says Gala...aka Lisa Shields |