From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=1646">Bijoux</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

misti- I haven't put my zine out for a year now but I can try to dig up a back issue if you want one. I'd love to see your zine. I checked out your collages and am considering buying one. Do you accept paypal? Not to be nosy but is your daughter adopted? Also, do you have aim? mine's xmissxdemeanorx
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=268">Misti</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

oh good, you're still on!<BR>
no, I do not have AIM. I tried to get PayPal the other day but you have to have a checking account. I am going to my husband's bank tomorrow to get on his checking account. I will send you a collage and chapbook for free, of course! Just let me know which collage you want. I don't know where my collages are in all this mess. I will have to look for them. Maybe we can talk on the phone someday but I am scared of the phone. I usually just talk to my husband and family. I've met Kevin Urenda in person once and I've talked to scqueen and Lisa on the phone, that's it. My poems are a lot louder than I am.
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=1646">Bijoux</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

I remember Kevin Urenda. Does he still post here? Does your husband post here? I am scared of the phone too, mostly because I am scared I willr un out of things to say. I missed your poetry. I forgot how sensual and crazy it si. It reminds me of mine sometimes. I am shocked you knew it was me. Is my writing style different at all or no? Tell me about you. What have you been doing all these years...
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=1646">Bijoux</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

misti- I like "how deep" and "tricky treats". Jello is amazing. I'm not suprized you want to hang onto it. Hope you're still on. I'm bored and Dez is asleep so I am ultra lame and have not yet resorted to waking my daughter up for my own entertainment. thank god.
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=268">Misti</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

oh and yes, my daughter is adopted. I knew from the beginning it would have to be that way. I have HUGE admiration and respect for women who are pregnant on their own and raise babies on their own. I could not do it. My family was not supportive and I had no friends and no resume or degree. I could have raised my daughter on welfare but I didn't want to. I met different couples, first through agencies and then through friends of my mom's. I chose my daughter's parents in my fifth month of pregnancy. In the hospital I could not let her go. I was freaking out. Then I had clarity and conviction and handed my newborn daughter to her adoptive dad at the hospital entrance. They've been generous all along. I have several videos and photo albums filled with pictures. When she was sixth months old I even got to keep her overnight before they moved out of state. The last time I saw my daughter she was three years old.
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=1646">Bijoux</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

I am incredibly impressed by your maturity and sound judgement. I, on the other hand was not so wise and went through with the birth and raising of my daughter alone at 15 and a half, without the help of her father. Sometimes I think that was selfish but we have made it this far. Unfortunately I only have 2 yrs. of college under my belt and am working as an exotic dancer as the money is good and I am able to pick Dez up from school. As you can see in my poem "fifteen minutes", this is not the most enjoyable vocation. You are smart and self-taught people are the best. I think school can make smart people ignorant.
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=268">Misti</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

<a href="/blend/wv.cgi?id=2005.06.12.00.35.32642">Thanks For Driving Me To Seattle</a> <BR>
...that's my husband, Michael! He's currently working on a novel. He wrote a trilogy of short stories called Tales From The Tweakside and I'm encouraging him to turn those and numerous other stories from his days in San Francisco and Oakland into a novel. He writes like Henry Miller. He was an unapologetic hedonist for many years. Now we are living like Sid and Nancy (without the heroin)...stuck in one room, watchin' the telly. He's on disability, just had his right hip replaced. He's eight years older than me and he's my perfect match. We're planning on moving to Austin in a year or less.<BR>
<BR>
Kevin hasn't been here in awhile. He has a blog at xanga. I do, too, but I don't take it seriously or write there that often.<BR>
<BR>
I actually sent JELLO to scqueen! I'll look for the other collages you mentioned. We are living with Michael's grandmother and have things stuck inside a small closet, under the bed, in the garage and in a storage unit. <BR>
<BR>
What I love about your poetry is that:<BR>
1. It could only be written by a woman who has lived a fucking life. You're no Emily Dickinson. I hate Emily Dickinson.<BR>
2. It does not contain cliches. Your poems are unique. They remind me slightly of Nicole Blackman's poetry. I have her Blood Sugar book on my poetry shelf.<BR>
3. Also, your style is similar to Kat Bjelland's of Babes in Toyland...her songs are punk rock poetry!<BR>
4. I read your poems and think,"Fuck! Why couldn't I have written that?"<BR>
<BR>
...you have magic. Don't mean to slobber all over you (HA) but you truly are inimitable.
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=268">Misti</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

You are a much stronger woman than I am. Just from what I've read in your poems and old Board posts you have done a stellar job raising Dez and I know she must have lots of respect for you. I've tried topless dancing. Never made much money at it. The most money I ever made was forty bucks in about ten minutes. This man told me he had cancer and had six months left to live and his wife had just divorced him. He gave me two twenty dollar bills for listening. I never took my clothes off, he just wanted my company. I was wrong to take his money but my boyfriend was a shark and he sure wasn't working. We needed the money.<BR>
<BR>
Believe me, if I could have made any kind of money at it all, I would have made a career out of exotic dancing. I fucking hate establishment jobs. I like the atmosphere of topless clubs. I like hanging out with gorgeous women who don't have a lot of hang-ups and have zero hypocrisy. The men can be pretty disgusting but the sleazy men in topless bars are a lot easier to tolerate than irate catalog customers. I worked for Victoria's Secret Direct for over a year. I don't know how I survived it. Oh yeah, the discounts. Great discounts.
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=1646">Bijoux</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

that was the best compliment I ever recieved. I love Babes in Toyland so I can see that influence in my work although i think I can be trite at times. You never lack originality.<BR>
Dez and I are living a block away from my parents in CT now. We moved around a lot for a bit when I was between jobs. She is in third grade and has avoided much of the teasing and bullying I often got. She's just a much cooler kid than I was.  I am engaged to a man I met at night school classes in college and Dez seems happy about the prospect of having a father who is more than a child support check. I am 22 now and trying to get my life on track. I am studying cosemtology at Paul Mitchell academy so I can say goodbye to exotic dancing.
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=1646">Bijoux</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

I dance fully nude and trust me the customers are seedy but I have been at teh same two clubs for two years now and have established enough "regulars" to keep my cash flow at a decent rate. I feel like a freud sometimes b/c Dez thinks I bartend. I thought of telling her the truth but I think she's both too young to understand and still at a stage where nudity is really gross to her.<BR>

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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=268">Misti</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

oh my god...22!!! I can't believe I'm ten years older than you. I still feel 22. Except for the times when I feel 102. Congratulations on your engagement! I tried cosmetology my junior year of high school. At the end of the year my mannekin had no hair left. I want to shave my head but my husband isn't too keen on that idea. He likes my hair long. But it is a tangled mess. I just got a book from amazon.com on how to write and market porn/erotica. I sent my first chapbook to Susie Bright back in March. Never got a reply. I've given my poetry to three famous people:<BR>
Susie Bright<BR>
Tom Robbins<BR>
Larry McMurtry<BR>
<BR>
...sent manuscripts to two different publishers last month. I will be published this year. 
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=268">Misti</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

I don't like all nude clubs because they don't serve alcohol, at least in New Mexico. My husband went to an all nude bar for his bachelor party. I got mad at him 'cause he wouldn't let me go. So I went to Wal-Mart and bought a bunch of crap I didn't need. Then when we were in his hospital room we were watching "Meet the Barkers" and I got mad at him all over again 'cause Travis Barker and Shanna partied together in Las Vegas before they got married. It made us sick watching that show. We watched about six episodes back to back. Couldn't turn away from it. The house they live in, the kids, the trips, the idiocy. Goddamn it all to hell the wrong people have all the money. Oh, Michael was a drummer for over a decade. He could kick Travis Barker's ass on the drums, no doubt. I like how Damien Echols referred to Blink-182 in an interview or letter from prison...Blink 90210. Ha.
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=1646">Bijoux</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

I just got the poem "ominous" taht I posted published in deconstruction quarterly and have begun writing some erotica. I sent a story to tristan Toarmino who edits "best lesbian erotica" whom I met at a poetry reading at Yale. She has sent me an e-mail but has not yet replied about whether or not it will be published. her website is www.puckerup.com. If you write erotica you might try sending her your work. Do you think you and your hubby may have kids?
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=268">Misti</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

thanks for the url! I'm going to read some erotica...I have a few anthologies in my library...before sending stuff out. I also want to buy a Hustler Letters and Penthouse Letters and study those. I go to <a href="http://www.sublime.com">http://www.sublime.com</a> quite a bit. I've read their so-called erotica but it's crap. Erotica truly is an artform. It's harder to write than I thought. I don't care for Anais Nin's Delta of Venus. I like straight porn, no fetishes. Either woman on woman or man on woman. No variations. No incest. I was going to submit some stuff to this one erotica site until I saw all the incestuous titles. <BR>
<BR>
I've known since I first got together with Michael that we would have kids someday. We'd only been together for about a month when he woke up one morning all excited telling me about a dream he had. He dreamed we were hanging out in our favorite coffee house and we had a little girl, a toddler with her hair in pigtails. In the dream I asked Michael to take her because I was busy and he said she threw her arms up and said,"Daddy!" He has the best heart the most generous spirit of any person I've ever known. When we get our lives straight or maybe shortly before then because I think our lives will always be slightly crooked and helter skelter, we want to have two babies. Molly Marie and Kiedis Bonham. Michael isn't crazy about Kiedis so that may change. If we have two girls I don't have a second girl name picked out. I also like Ozzy Zappa for a boy.
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=268">Misti</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

oops, should be:<BR>
<a href="http://www.sublimedirectory.com">http://www.sublimedirectory.com</a>
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=1511">sassy</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

Bijoux your poems are great, and in reading the board I saw that you had a child at a very young age...my daughter is 16 and pregnant, (which will make me a grandma at 35!) and I was just wondering about your experience..it sounds like you're doing well, but do you have regrets?
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=254">chris</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

Yeah, I want to second that. Excellent work, Zoe - every bit as powerful as I remember from back in 2000 but more developed, more mature. Some kick-ass stuff there...
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=23">Kirk</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

scqueen --<BR>
errr--<BR>
hmm.
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=1646">Bijoux</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

Sassy- I think you and I are in good company because it seems you had your daughter at 19 which is also pretty young. I never regret having been able to spend my life with such a wonderful child who is the love of my life but I do regret not having waited because at the time I was not financially stable enough to raise a child. At times I was recieving WIC and working 3 jobs to make ends meet because I have not finished my education although I am working at it now. I was mature enough at a young age to have a kid but not necessarily to provide for her. You should try to ask your daughter a lot of questions to see how ready she feels. Tell her to read this if she can: <a href="http://teenadvice.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=teenadvice&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.teenpregnancy.org%2Fresources%2Fteens%2Fvoices%2Fteenrent.asp">http://teenadvice.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=teenadvice&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.teenpregnancy.org%2Fresources%2Fteens%2Fvoices%2Fteenrent.asp</a><BR>
<BR>
<BR>
Chris- Thanks so much. I like your work also.
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=1511">sassy</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

Thanks, I'll have her read it.   She is just so young....I was 19 when she was born, but I had married her dad, and we were on our own, and I was lucky enough to be able to stay home with her, and her siblings, until she was almost 8.   So I feel like I didn't have the typical experience, my struggle didn't come until we divorced...I was 25 or so by then, and I have struggled ever since, but its easier to deal with when you're older...but I have always thought that to be an artist of any kind, there has to be a struggle of some sort...you earn art by fire. 
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=1176">aparajita</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

greysky: <a href="/blend/wv.cgi?id=2005.06.19.23.03.8318">to know...</a> wow.  curious me read back over your acct.  <a href="/blend/wv.cgi?id=2001.08.22.03.52.8701">all i want are kisses...</a>, <a href="/blend/wv.cgi?id=2001.11.22.17.29.17685">All i want is to kiss...</a>, <a href="/blend/wv.cgi?id=2001.08.10.01.36.1128">a candle in the soft</a>, <a href="/blend/wv.cgi?id=2001.06.09.01.17.32260">hell's pale</a>, and <a href="/blend/wv.cgi?id=2001.05.17.02.52.6641">Storm {Eros}  .......adult</a> are but a few that i devoured.<BR>
<BR>
misti:  <a href="/blend/wv.cgi?id=2005.06.20.13.52.2357">My Michael</a> i can not tell you how incredibly LARGE i smile to think of you this happy. in some way it gives me hope.  <BR>
<BR>
sassy: <a href="/blend/wv.cgi?id=2005.06.20.12.18.11526">All I Know</a> is more timely than you could ever know.  weird how that happens.  thanks.<BR>
<BR>
bijoux:  powerful writing for sure.  i want to look up your other writings sometime real soon.  glad you are back.<BR>
<BR>
bk: <a href="/blend/wv.cgi?id=2005.06.16.22.47.8496">A Sip of Infinity </a> ~~~~sigh...
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=13">B.K.</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

scqueen; Glad to hear you didn't feel the earthquake. (hum it appears that Kirk just read about your dream ha)<BR>
<BR>
Kirk; Honey we all have dreams about meeting you.ha It's time the blender had a big get together someplace. So when and where is the party?<BR>
<BR>
aparajita; Every time I see your name I wanna say Hows Mom?Tell her I'm sending good wishes her way. Dad is on the mend and that's wonderful for us. Thanks for the comments on the poem, my Darlin inspires all the great ones. <BR>
<BR>
bijoux; Welcome back to the blender. Have heard about your early work as zoe from Misti in comments. Looking forward to reading more of your work.<BR>
<BR>
bk<BR>
<BR>

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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=1176">aparajita</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

bk: you are just wonderful. thanks so much for caring to ask.  mom is recovering physically better than anticipated.  her pain is under control which brings us all relief.  her prognosis is still poor though really.  thank goodness she is not really 'here' enough to realize the decisions my sibs and i have had to make for her.  i think in some deep deep part she does know, just hasn't got enough there to really think or digest the info.<BR>
<BR>
how is rennie??  i miss her so terribly.  is there any way at all to contact her: is she able to check email?  i have about 3 different addresses for her.  if you talk to her, please remember to tell her hi for me.  <BR>
<BR>
thanks again.  i appreciate you and your kind thoughts.  glad for the positive update on your dad.  lemme know if i can do anything for you... even if it is just to listen.  you have my home email...
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From: <a href="/blend/av.cgi?id=268">Misti</a><BR>
Date: 20 June 2005<P>

thanks, aparajita. I'm sorry to hear that your mom is suffering. Today is my mom's birthday. My mom has lupus. I would rather suffer than see my mom suffer. I have no idea how I'll cope if my mom dies before I do. That is one loss I don't think I could survive.
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